And now?

After months and months of writing nothing on our blog, I'm finding this to be an invaluable place to store my thoughts and to process through my thoughts and feelings. Some blogs are entertainment and some are storytelling. I guess mine is therapy.

The big question on everyone's mind -- including my own -- is "now what?" The first and easiest answer is that we go back to the work of trying to become parents. I realized yesterday that part of what makes this experience so hard is that I now know what I'm missing. Before Stephen, I had a vision of what parenthood might feel like and it looked like something we'd want to do. Now that I've had that brief opportunity to be a mom and to see Bill as a dad, I have absolutely no doubt that it's what I want and what we MUST do. So it's really hard to go back to waiting when we've had that emotional and physical connection with a baby.

We didn't spend much time talking about alternatives to adoption. A few well-meaning folks suggested that we might get a *surprise* pregnancy out of this experience and wouldn't that be swell. OK, folks. I hate to be a total ass, but after three years of fertility bull$%*t, there is no such thing as forgetting my cycle or having any kind of relaxed month of fun. Suffice it to say that I lived that life for a long time and every month was agony (whether or not I was pregnant) and there's no way you can make me go back there. What I learned, though, is that I can't expect anyone else to understand this, unless they've been through it. So if you've said something like this to me, please know that I don't hold it against you. We just need to do this our way.

We had a follow up meeting with the agency last week. It was okay. They really heard us on the issues that we raised, which was good. I won't get into all of them here. Do I still believe that our agency is one of the most ethical and best in the country? Yes. Do I think there is still room for improvement? Definitely. And if you all know me, I had a lot to say about how improvements can be made. I don't know if they'll take our advice, but we'll monitor things and just see what happens.

So, for now, we're back in the pool. Waiting again. It feels incredibly depressing. I'm feeling really sad about milestones this year. I was so excited to celebrate our birthdays in April as new parents. I couldn't wait to show off our son at my 20th high school reunion in June. Christmas was going to be amazing with our nearly one-year-old. And now it's just back to some sort of normal life, with no baby.

Those that know me well, have seen that for each year of not having a baby, I seem to get a purse. It's not a baby, but there is comfort in carrying around a nice, soft, leather bag... It started with a black leather number from Coach. Then the ante moved up to a Michael Kors, then onto Tory Burch. I got a summery Kate Spade last year. Then, in January, I got the bag I was really hoping for -- a diaper bag. Sassy and fun and practical. No frills. Nothing fancy. But this was the purse of my dreams. So now, while the diaper bag waits for me in the nursery, I have to decide if I'm going to give into my indulgence again... Please, God, let me have a baby before I drop $1K on a Louis Vuitton...